I am asked the question "how do you feel?" quite often since my weight loss has become very obvious. Now that I am down almost 112 pounds people comment on it all the time, especially those who don't see me on a regular basis. But I never quite know how to answer the question "How do I feel?" The obvious answer is that I feel great.....why wouldn't I? I've lost over 100 pounds....I should feel great....but it's not as easy as that.
I feel many things.
Let me explain...
I feel regret. Regret that it took me this long to actually get my sh*t together and do something about my weight problem. Regret that I missed out on so many things in my life because of my weight. Regret that I have set a bad example for my children, even if I am now doing something to change that. I was fat in high school....I was fat when I got married....I was fat when I had my children....and my kids will remember a fat mom growing up. I try not to dwell on the regret but I can't say it isn't there.
I feel angry. Angry at myself for ever letting myself get to the point I did. Angry that I didn't place enough value on myself to keep myself from finding happiness in food. Angry that some people have such an easy relationship with food and never have to fight this battle. Why me??
I feel proud. I am proud of myself for actually doing this. For finally deciding that I AM worth it and taking that first step into the Weight Watchers meeting. For sticking with it and continuing on even when it was tough. I feel proud of my success.
I feel thankful. I feel thankful for soooo many things. That I was able to take steps to correct things before I had medical issues as a result. For incredibly supportive friends and family who have never treated me differently or been embarrassed of me, even at my top weight, and who loved me even when I didn't love myself. I especially feel thankful for a friend who started this journey before me (she knows who she is!) which gave me the inspiration to try it for myself and the belief that if she could do it I could too! I feel thankful for an organization like Weight Watchers that teaches people the right way to lose weight and regain health. I feel thankful for all of the supportive people at the meetings who are on their own journeys and can relate to mine.
I feel thinner. Well, duh! And I won't lie....it does feel good to put on a size 12 jeans when I was wearing a size 24. It feels good to be able to choose clothes that aren't plus size. It feels good to not feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. It feels good to go to the theater or on an airplane and not have to worry about how big the seat is and if I will be uncomfortable.
I feel more confident. I don't automatically assume when someone is looking at me it is because I am so big. I feel more able to wear trendy clothes and not just anything that will fit. I am starting to think about trying things that my old self wouldn't have. I have changed my hairstyle for the first time in years. Nothing dramatic, but I got rid of the bangs I have hidden behind for so long.
But I also feel fat. It seems like a contradiction but when I look in the mirror I see a different person than others see. I still see the double chin and the fat rolls. I know some of them are still there but I can't seem to see the difference from the "before" me. I've heard it takes a long time to be able to look in the mirror and see the new you. I still will buy clothes that are too big and get home and try them on and realize I'm not that size anymore.
I feel flabby and wrinkly. Yup, when you lose that much weight the stretched out skin stays with you even when you lose the "filling." I am very self-conscious of my arms and my "bat wings" that flap when I move my arms. I am trying to find shirts for summer that are short sleeve but not *real* short. I don't want to be constantly worrying if someone is looking at my flabby arms. When my arms were fatter I wasn't as self conscious because although they were big they didn't flap as much! And my thighs remind me of elephant legs.....saggy and wrinkly. I am buying longer shorts than I have in the past because I don't want my saggy thighs on display. (I apologize in advance to all of you who will see me in my swim suit!) My stomach and my butt have saggy skin too.....fortunately for all of you I won't subject you to that. I have bought "firming" creams but believe me, there is no miracle in those bottles! Somedays I am mad at myself for doing so much damage to my body that no amount of dieting and working out will ever give me the body I would really like to have. But then other days I can look at the saggy skin and it reminds me of how far I have come.
I feel healthier. The majority of the food I put into my body now is good for me. I drink lots of water and eat lots of fruits and veggies. So many things that I used to eat TONS of are no longer a part of my diet--butter, regular cheese, mayonnaise, unhealthy oils, etc. I don't eat fast food except on a very rare occasion and then it's a salad or a grilled chicken sandwich or something. Drive-thrus used to be a regular stop for me. I can't lie though--I miss them.
I feel like I have done a good thing for my family. I make one meal for my family--healthy! From the beginning I refused to make two separate meals for them and for me. They eat what I eat for the most part. They are eating more fruits and veggies.....and salads! My husband has lost a few pounds as a result too. And I hope that eventually my success will inspire him to REALLY jump on board. I feel like I am showing my kids that it is never too late to make a change and that eating healthy is important. I don't ever want them to walk the path I have taken.
I feel embarrassed. Sometimes when people go on and on about the change in my physical appearance it is embarrassing. I don't want to be reminded of what I looked like a year ago. It makes me realize just how bad things were that people are going on and on now about what I look like.
I feel accomplished. Most days I like when people notice what I've accomplished and comment on it. It feels good to know that others can see what I've been working so hard at. It feels good when people tell me I look good or that I "look like I've lost a whole person."
I feel sad. The other day someone who didn't have the time of day for me a year ago came up to me to tell me how great I looked. Acted like I was her best friend. Kept hanging around me and trying to make conversation. Funny how she never did that before and there had been plenty of opportunity. There really are people who judge your worth as a person based on your appearance. That makes me sad. I was polite to her but I'm sorry, if I wasn't worthy before, you are not worthy now. :( I feel sad for all of the people fighting this battle, especially the ones who aren't winning. It's not easy. You already feel bad about yourself and society just adds to that.
I still feel obsessed with food. It's different than it was before but food is still a constant thought for me. When I wake up in the morning I still think first about what is for breakfast. After breakfast I think about lunch. I plan in advance what I will eat next. I can't survive without a nighttime snack. When I am going out for a meal I pre-plan what I am going to eat in advance so I can stay within my WW points. I take my own salad dressings with me so I don't have to worry about not having a healthy choice. I still LOVE to eat. The fat chick is still inside and always will be. I will spend the rest of my life keeping her in check. This battle is FAR from over. I still WANT all of the unhealthy foods and think I always will. I am still irritated with people who are thin and can eat whatever they want and never gain weight. I will never see a plate of nachos or a bowl of pasta and not want to jump right in. :( For all of those who say they don't even crave those foods anymore I am calling bullsh*t!
I feel in control. At least of this one area of my life. Before food was controlling me and now I feel like I am calling the shots. It's a powerful feeling. And I do think that it affect other areas of my life as well. I have always been a control freak in most areas of my life, excluding this one. I am still trying to figure out how (and why!) food got the upper hand but I like the feeling that finally I am in charge!
I don't feel as different as you might think. I think because in most areas I didn't let my weight stand in my way I don't feel as different as I might have. Despite my weight I think I was pretty confident and outgoing. And because I don't look in the mirror and see the physical change as much as others I don't feel that different.
I feel like "I got this!" Most days I feel like I am in total control of this and that I can maintain it for the rest of my life. Like I will continue on and reach my goals. Like it's been easier than I expected once I set my mind to it. But then some days...
I feel scared. I know I am weak and could fall back into my old habits. I worry that I can't do this forever and that one slip could be the beginning of a downward spiral.... I know that the majority of people who lose weight DO NOT keep it off. That's scary!
I feel more energetic. No doubt, carrying around 112 less pounds gives you more energy. I don't feel as tired after doing normal activities. I have yet to attempt to lift something that weighs about 112 pounds just for comparison but I am sure it would be shocking to realize how much excess I was carrying around.
I feel like exercise sucks! More than 100 pounds later and I still hate to exercise. I wish I could tell you that when you weigh less you start to love it. Maybe it works that way for some but not for me. I have recently started to add in some exercise to try and jump start things but I don't think I will ever like it. I dread it....I count down the minutes till I am done....and I would rather do almost anything else!
I feel cold. Yep, literally cold! Turns out that 112 pounds was a lot of insulation. I was always hot before and now I rarely am. I have worn sweatshirts and wrapped up in blankets more this winter than I ever have!
I feel constipated. Too much information? But seriously, pooping is a problem! Without all of the fat in my diet it's hard to get stuff moving. The last few months have been a struggle of balancing fiber, Miralax and probiotics. I've yet to find the correct formula. :)
I feel like I want to help others. I know how hard this is. I have had people at Weight Watchers tell me that they have watched my journey and it has made them feel like they can do it too. That feels good. I am soooo far from having all of the answers and I have so much yet to figure out for myself but if my journey helps anyone in any small way that would be awesome!
I feel like I have not walked this walk alone. My friends and family have been there every step of the way--encouraging me, offering healthy snacks when I am at their house, not trying to tempt me with unhealthy things, and not being embarrassed when we are out in public and I pull my full size container of light salad dressing out of my purse! LOL Some of my friends know which day I weigh in and ask me how I did that week. They offer encouragement and tell me when it's time to go shopping for smaller clothes! I trust them to be honest with me and to call me out if they see me slipping and going back to my old ways. So many people find that when they make a change like this there are those who are not supportive and wish them to fail. My friends and family have been amazing! A few of them are also on their own journeys and also attend WW so that makes it easier. We can support each other and go out to dinner together, eat healthy, and share our struggles and successes. This has made all the difference!
I feel happy. But then for the most part I felt happy before I started this journey. I feel happier with myself, my appearance and the positive changes I hope I have made in my health.
So.....how do I feel? I'm not sure. It depends on when you ask. But one thing I know...
I feel ready for this journey to continue...
